may you live in interesting times March 31, 2006
I had an experience this morning which I hope is not going to be a regular feature of the new New Orleans. I went out to get my newspaper, and it wasn’t there. I searched around for it, thinking that it must have been tossed into some unusual spot. I looked down at my feet and saw a snake crawling into the flower bed beside my house. It was about 18 inches long. It was about as big around as my thumb. The background color was black and it had yellow stripes running down the length of its body. It looked shiny and very healthy. It moved so fast that I couldn’t have killed or caught it if I had tried.
I googled “Louisiana snakes,” and from the pictures on various snake-identification websites it looks like it’s a western ribbon snake. These are non-venomous and can grow to 42 inches. Some people call them “garden” or “grass” snakes. They are considered beneficial snakes because they eat slugs and other garden pests.
M’kay. Snakes in the yard. Maybe I have led a sheltered life, but I have never before seen a snake in the city of New Orleans that was not in a glass case at the Audubon Zoo. When I lived in Folsom on the Bogue Falaya River, I used to see plenty of snakes, including cottonmouths and king snakes. I spent six years gardening at my house in Hammond and I never ran across a single snake. I have a slight aversion to them, and the whole time I have been typing this post my hair has been standing on end.
I can remember when the sight of that snake so close to my front door would have caused me to yank my children up, throw them in the car and take off to my mother’s until my house, yard, and surrounding areas were thoroughly de-snaked. Just because a snake is not poisonous does not mean it won’t bite when surprised or cornered. They move so fast that it is doubtful you would even know what happened.
Although I hate his infernal guts, I am a little worried about Snake vs. Ellis. I think Ellis could easily take the snake (for now, let’s call him “Petey”) at it’s present size. But what about when Petey gets bigger? Death-by-snake is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, not even Ellis. And what if Petey has several dozen brothers and sisters?
I guess that’s where my imagination starts running away with me. I can’t believe it’s a coincidence that I have seen my first urban snake during this first springtime post-Katrina. Like everything else, the snake community has been displaced and is working overtime to ensure its survival. Snakes hatch during the springtime and summer, just like everything else. I also can’t believe that I am the only person in New Orleans who has a snake in her yard this morning. What should we beware of? What are the chances of finding a coral snake, copperhead or some other venomous species in your yard? “Near the water” does not mean anything any more, because the water took everything everywhere. You would think the nasty polluted water would have killed any living thing, but our hearty Louisiana vermin have been living with the crap that we dump in the water ever since the first European boat explored the Mississippi.
When I was cleaning with Katrina Krewe on Gentilly Blvd., I noticed that the abandoned Burger Orleans building had a ventilation system on its roof, surrounded on three sides and the top by a fake Mansard roof. The back was basically open, with some boards slanted in at an angle to hide the ventilation system, but still let air out. There were no screens to keep birds out. If I was a bird, I would certainly build my nest in there, and I’m sure many have by now. The thought of all the abandoned buildings in New Orleans with broken windows, walls and roofs left open, and all these piles of junk, as condos for breeding birds is one thing. The thought of them full of snakes is quite another thing. Like, one of David Cronenberg’s nightmares.
Steve was telling me one night from Hawaii that the island was overrun with mongooses, which were brought in to kill either rats or snakes. Sure enough, a mongoose can kill a cobra. They can eat snake venom and it won’t hurt them. It’s illegal to import them into the U.S., though, because they are so destructive and have no natural enemies. They were imported to the Carribean from India to kill rats, and they wound up wiping out all the small fauna that lived on the ground. They are also egg-suckers.
Let’s think outside the box here, though. After all, it’s a catastrophe. Suppose we train up a commando army of mongooses in Hawaii, males only. I’m not being sexist, I’m just saying that the males are less likely to smuggle a litter of pups over here on the troop ship. The females would probably fight better, but we can’t risk it. We could get some LSU veterinarian students to fly to Hawaii and volunteer to spend a week at the Marriott, checking the gender of mongoose recruits. We could get some New Orleans drug dealers to go to Hawaii and teach the mongooses urban survival skills. We give them their shots, load them up, bulk them up them with omelettes, bring them over here to Louisiana and turn them loose on the snake problem. Perhaps the mongooses could teach our nutria rats how to eat snakes instead of the coastline. Ron Forman would be the perfect person to lead the war on snakes. I’m guessing he is the most herpetologically aware of all the mayoral candidates.
I would trust mongooses, nutria rats and even New Orleans’ drug dealers to deal with the snake problem before I would trust the idiots who are running this city and state. Did everyone see the newspaper yesterday, about how state senator Ken Hollis is investigating this ridiculous comedy of errors surrounding the removal of the cars? From what I understand, the city and the state both solicited bids for the removal of the flooded and abandoned cars. The city chose the company that was charging the most per car, and the state, under its bidding laws, chose the company that was charging the least per car. Neither of the companies that were chosen have any experience at all in the removal and storage of junked cars. The state wants to give its contract to a janitorial service.
What the hell is wrong with these people? A janitorial service is going to deal with hundreds of thousands of cars, stuck in mud, sitting on houses, up in trees? When it all comes out, I’m sure there will be some fucking brothers or sisters-in-law at the bottom of it. Probably connected to the Jefferson/Green family. The people in our government are acting like the law is stopping them from using their heads, which is just plain bullshit. If you don’t know the difference between a janitorial service and a salvage company, then I don’t want you on my payroll. And why are the city and the state duplicating efforts? Is it because so many of our officials have friends and relatives who want sweetheart deals? Maybe we should only elect unmarried orphans to office in this state.
You may not believe this, but there are actually places in this country where elected officials are public servants. There are legislators who view a government contract as a chance to do something positive for their constituents, rather than as another way to feather their nests. There are leaders who are not amoral petty potentates, preening with egos and hair as big as the gangsters’ on The Sopranos. There are voters that are not easily lulled by phoney jesus-talk coming out of evil, incompetent mouths.
The sight of Petey the snake this morning reminded me that the acute effects of this disaster are not yet over. This city in shambles has many more surprises in store for us. We’ve got flowers blooming in all kinds of weird places. It’s touching to see the sunflowers and petunias popping up where you know no human being planted them. As the summer gets here, we might start seeing tomatoes everywhere, growing out from under abandoned houses. The natural world has been upended here and it is fighting to survive.
One day last summer, Shannon and I went to the pool on the roof of the Royal Orleans. We stood looking down at the French Quarter. It had rained the day before and everything was lush. Suddenly, she said, “I bet if everyone abandoned this place, and never picked another weed or trimmed another bush, it would be completely over-grown in three weeks. Everything you see down there would be covered in green.”
I have thought about that numerous times since everyone abandoned this place. Are people who have lost everything going to come back here and keep the weeds down on their property? I doubt it. Is anyone in City Hall thinking about dealing with rodents and snakes this summer? I doubt it. Never a dull moment in Snake City. Danger approaches, no help in sight, and it isn’t even the mean season yet.
- Posted in : main, new orleans
- Author : dangerblond
Comments»
no comments yet - be the first?